The Magic Peres Pill

The Magic Peres Pill

David M. Weinberg


This week, our august President, Shimon Peres, suddenly and unexpectedly began to talk again about “the New Middle East” and the “peace accord with the Palestinians that is within easy reach.”

Ah yes, the New Middle East, that nirvana-like world dreamed up by imaginative minds. That easily achievable peace with Abbas and Haniyeh. Dreamy indeed.

The president, God bless him, must be back on the Peres pill.

The Peres pill is a powerful drug invented by this country’s elder statesman. But be sure to read the fine print on the label before taking this prescription-only medication:

Therapeutic activity: For the relief of dilemmas in the peace process and uncertainties in relating to the Arab Middle East. Induces hallucinations and wishful thinking, allowing the patient to ignore the hostile intentions of and shrug off the threatening declarations of neighboring Arabs. Allows the user to believe that peace is breaking out all over. Most effective on a fatigued, depressed populace, and/or a public that has become extremely affluent and comfortable, and no longer has the stamina for continued struggle.

Composition: Each capsule contains 10 milligrams of valium (a relaxant that clears the mind of outdated nationalistic fervor); 20 mg of amphetamine (stimulates feverish mental activity); 200 mg of LSD (aids in hallucination); and 700 mg of essence of sophisticated French wine (helps the mind ignore sobering Middle Eastern realities).

How will this medicine affect your daily life? Use of this medicine may impair alertness to dangers and caution should be exercised when engaging in activities such as driving a car, operating heavy machinery or taking the helm of state. Patient is likely to develop delusional tendencies, and to say things like “science is more important than territory,” or “a row of five-star hotels on the Golan is a better guarantee of peace than a line of early warning stations,” or “we will turn terrorists into tourists and tomahawks into Toyotas,” and the like.

Takers of this drug are prone to taking wild leaps of faith and to projecting all their good intentions onto the adversary — a malediction known as transference. As such, they are liable to cavalierly and hastily forgo hard national security assets without appropriate returns or safeguards.

This drug also has been known to activate frantic philanthropic activity aimed at planting high-tech wheat fields on the border with the Gaza Strip, the establishment of joint biotechnology farms with Egypt, the building of industrial parks for Mahmoud Abbas, and the twinning of towns such as Bir Zeit and Bnei Brak. The drug-induced assumption here is that economic advancement will cause its Arab beneficiaries to moderate or abandon their hostile and decade-old goals of overpowering the Zionist enemy.

Patients on the Peres pill tend to develop a fancy for all things and leaders European, and enjoy cavorting around the continent garnering support from kings, princesses, Marxist novelists and intellectuals, movie stars and socialist leaders who have lots of money to throw at the Palestinians. Users are partial to Norway, especially Oslo.

Warnings: Do not take this medicine if your country has a waist less than 50 kilometers (31 miles) wide. You may end up in the sea. Inform your doctor and consult first with your psychiatrist if you are sensitive to historic, national and religious rights, to the justness of history, or to the logic of deterrence doctrine. Patients often develop aloofness to the common Israeli man-in-the-street, who simply doesn’t understand the sublime and cultured approach to peace engendered by the drug. Do not take before meals or three weeks before Israeli election day.

Side effects: In addition to the desired effect of the medicine, adverse reactions may occur during the course of taking this medicine, such as rapid weight and land loss; loss of fluids and water resources; and withdrawal tendencies. Deafness — especially to Palestinian anti-Semitism, hostile unilateralism, accusations of war crimes and ethnic cleansing, and threats of violence — may develop. Consult your doctor and reconsider your political affiliation immediately if you experience blindness to Palestinian treaty violations, Iranian nuclear programs, deteriorating security situations on the Syrian and Egyptian fronts, and the like; or if you find yourself always excusing the other side’s gross failures and breezily overlooking its dictatorial character.

Antidote: In case of an overdose, take a Netanyahu pill or equivalent for four more years. Proceed immediately to a hospital emergency room or an emergency bomb shelter.

Recommended dosage and directions for use: This is experimental medicine. Effects of the drug for the long term have not been proven. Take at your own risk. Not recommended for children, the faint-hearted or those involved in diplomatic negotiations. Adults: One capsule only if necessary, chewed slowly and cautiously. Keep your guard up and army in a ready state when under the influence of this psychotropic drug. Do not swallow whole. Keep out of the hands of sitting prime ministers and foreign ministers who need to secure the country.


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